Post by Kim Falconer on Dec 12, 2004 23:09:34 GMT
There is new interest in Eros and long-term relationships, so I thought I would start the ball rolling with these excerpts from my book:
"...Eros and long term relationships may seem initially like a contradiction of terms. For hundreds of years, the archetype of the wife and mother, the Hera or Juno, have contrasted markedly with those of the seductive and erotic Aphrodite or Inanna. Relationships themselves carry similar connotations with stable, but possibly mundane marriages contrasting tantalizing, but possibly erratic and short lived affairs.
One of the first things Richard Idemon made clear when he talked about relating was the difference between the erotic and static relationship. Idemon felt that very few relationships, sexual or otherwise, are erotic in the sense that they create a deep and lasting transformation. The danger, risk and pain involved in the erotic experience makes it difficult to embrace for any length of time, and the conscious myths about relationship usually say they have to be safe, secure, nourishing and long lasting.
Relationships based on Eros, however, are anything but safe. They involve taking risks, breaking taboos, experiencing separation and death, facing change in oneself and in the other, and relating on an adult to adult level. In other words, they can be painful, confronting and traumatic, as well as creative, energizing and validating. The primary goal of the erotic relationship is growth and intimacy. These are qualities that may come from safety and security only when there is room for the unexpected and the unknown.
Conversely, the primary goal of the static relationship is to protect, at all costs, a familiar and predictable security. There are no risks because the roles are well defined and change discouraged. Each partner knows what the other is thinking or wanting before even being asked. Their responses are anticipated and familiar, generating the safety experienced when we know what is coming next.
[glow=red,2,300]“Most relationships are unconscious, and conventionally set-up arrangements, which conform to collective norms, and ignore the individuation requirements and the particularities of the participants.” [/glow]
C.Michael Smith Abstracted Notes on Marriage as a Psychological Relationship-A Jungian Paraphrase
These static relationships provide a safe container for marriage or long term relationship. Pragmatic considerations take priority and individual growth or transformation is not determined a necessary or desirable component.
Instead of the independence of the erotic relationship, co-dependency and parental projections have a major emphasis in the static union. Instead of the trust found in the erotic, the static relationship contains deceitful and counterfeit communication that says, “What he does not know wont hurt him” or “she would not want to know about this anyway, so let’s not tell her.” Truth is avoided or not mentioned if it threatens the stasis of the union.
…The kind of passion and energy moving through an Erotic relationship is enough to ignite our whole existence, altering the world view, hence the major risk. The fires of Eros burn a victim to dross. This is like the alchemists flame burning the wolf in his sealed alembic. We can never be certain what will remain of the familiar when the fires cool and the ashes settle.
… Eros seldom leaves a long-term relationship to its own stasis for long.
[glow=red,2,300]“Though banished or bored, he does not keep away. Somewhere in his retreat he whirls around and returns: marriages break open; the doors swing wide; again the winds rise and the windows rattle, the clothes lift from the line and the shingles fly from the roof; the houses we have built tremble on their foundations. We find we love the wrong people or too may people, we're tossed this way or that, blood running, hearts aching, souls a swoon, and, yes, all of the jealousies and fears of flesh set free again like furies.” [/glow] Peter Marin, The Fury of Eros Harper's Magazine02/94 v288:n1725. p 30(2)
…Sometimes Eros rekindles the fires of passion between the familiar couple. More often, the fires are brought to the home hearth from outside the union in the form of the other man, or the other woman. How ever he is evoked, the return of Eros heralds an opportunity for transformation and realignment. This may end a static relationship, or it may infuse it with potent new possibilities. It is in this way that Eros brings new life to that which has become sterile…<br>
Comments? Questions?
What happens when Eros comes from “outside” the committed relationship? What do we do then?
Warmly,
Kim
"...Eros and long term relationships may seem initially like a contradiction of terms. For hundreds of years, the archetype of the wife and mother, the Hera or Juno, have contrasted markedly with those of the seductive and erotic Aphrodite or Inanna. Relationships themselves carry similar connotations with stable, but possibly mundane marriages contrasting tantalizing, but possibly erratic and short lived affairs.
One of the first things Richard Idemon made clear when he talked about relating was the difference between the erotic and static relationship. Idemon felt that very few relationships, sexual or otherwise, are erotic in the sense that they create a deep and lasting transformation. The danger, risk and pain involved in the erotic experience makes it difficult to embrace for any length of time, and the conscious myths about relationship usually say they have to be safe, secure, nourishing and long lasting.
Relationships based on Eros, however, are anything but safe. They involve taking risks, breaking taboos, experiencing separation and death, facing change in oneself and in the other, and relating on an adult to adult level. In other words, they can be painful, confronting and traumatic, as well as creative, energizing and validating. The primary goal of the erotic relationship is growth and intimacy. These are qualities that may come from safety and security only when there is room for the unexpected and the unknown.
Conversely, the primary goal of the static relationship is to protect, at all costs, a familiar and predictable security. There are no risks because the roles are well defined and change discouraged. Each partner knows what the other is thinking or wanting before even being asked. Their responses are anticipated and familiar, generating the safety experienced when we know what is coming next.
[glow=red,2,300]“Most relationships are unconscious, and conventionally set-up arrangements, which conform to collective norms, and ignore the individuation requirements and the particularities of the participants.” [/glow]
C.Michael Smith Abstracted Notes on Marriage as a Psychological Relationship-A Jungian Paraphrase
These static relationships provide a safe container for marriage or long term relationship. Pragmatic considerations take priority and individual growth or transformation is not determined a necessary or desirable component.
Instead of the independence of the erotic relationship, co-dependency and parental projections have a major emphasis in the static union. Instead of the trust found in the erotic, the static relationship contains deceitful and counterfeit communication that says, “What he does not know wont hurt him” or “she would not want to know about this anyway, so let’s not tell her.” Truth is avoided or not mentioned if it threatens the stasis of the union.
…The kind of passion and energy moving through an Erotic relationship is enough to ignite our whole existence, altering the world view, hence the major risk. The fires of Eros burn a victim to dross. This is like the alchemists flame burning the wolf in his sealed alembic. We can never be certain what will remain of the familiar when the fires cool and the ashes settle.
… Eros seldom leaves a long-term relationship to its own stasis for long.
[glow=red,2,300]“Though banished or bored, he does not keep away. Somewhere in his retreat he whirls around and returns: marriages break open; the doors swing wide; again the winds rise and the windows rattle, the clothes lift from the line and the shingles fly from the roof; the houses we have built tremble on their foundations. We find we love the wrong people or too may people, we're tossed this way or that, blood running, hearts aching, souls a swoon, and, yes, all of the jealousies and fears of flesh set free again like furies.” [/glow] Peter Marin, The Fury of Eros Harper's Magazine02/94 v288:n1725. p 30(2)
…Sometimes Eros rekindles the fires of passion between the familiar couple. More often, the fires are brought to the home hearth from outside the union in the form of the other man, or the other woman. How ever he is evoked, the return of Eros heralds an opportunity for transformation and realignment. This may end a static relationship, or it may infuse it with potent new possibilities. It is in this way that Eros brings new life to that which has become sterile…<br>
Comments? Questions?
What happens when Eros comes from “outside” the committed relationship? What do we do then?
Warmly,
Kim