So I Did It

[blueorchids]

Well friends that's it. I did it; I did something big, really big for me anyway. And for better or worse, 12 hours later of scared weeping about, I think I am glad that I did. I also know that if it weren't for everyone here pushing me to go inside and think (especially Kim and Jamma) and not just think but try to understand what I am feeling I would have wimped out completely. I would have called and postponed. I was feeling such great loss and anxiety lately I can only say that maybe the chickens had come to roost. Maybe having lost my mom and the baby then the two cancer surgeries warranted so much reaction from me and in seeking to not react, to not drown in sadness I just closed my eyes and plowed ahead. Maybe the whole doc thing was just the alarm that hey wait a minute rewind that bloody tape....

So here goes, I went for the appointment. I did not have the courage to consider really exploring my angst with him, but something happened and the door opened. We were doing that usual thing chatting then flirting covering the territory from vacations and people who have plastic surgery when we got to the children. And I got quiet and started to talk about my son and the mistake I made looking for him after school one day--and the devastation of realizing he was gone and wasn't a little boy anymore--that he was not coming "that way again.."

This led to one thing and another. He started asking questions and then suddenly I just said I was scared; I felt trapped and I wondered now with the children not babies anymore if I had made this horrible choice, this irreconcilable, sad unchangeable choice...

I was in there forever it seemed and mainly because he was very quiet (pisces sun alert) and kept staring, almost peering at me. I kept saying that my husband is "decent" so how can I be this sad?

He said that I shouldn't feel that I made a horrible choice--that no choice is perfect and it's ""not so good out here"--Did my husband always seem so detached?....I told him I think I knew something was wrong when we walked down the aisle. I said I just have adjusted myself over the past decade to his comfort level of being flat of having no movement off the line--when the earthquakes come--the deaths, the miscarriages, the illnesses etc my job I felt is ---and was to get over it!! , to get on to move on.... He said "maybe, maybe he feels deeply like you--maybe it's inside and it just doesn't come out...."

In the end, I did not cry, or get hysterical, but my eyes I am sure were wet. I told him that my husband does not like any emotion, to be touched. He said he had some tissues if I needed them; and he would call me about my test. I said I would not cry, then smiled, then laughed. Then he smiled and rubbed my back and left. I said I didn't need the tissues but of course I went in his bathroom started crying, stopped crying and then went home.

I know it's not a romance novel event. But I think I am happy I told him my secret. Other than my sister who I used to talk to a bit about this but whom I sensed felt uncomfortable because her husband I think accused her of encouraging the dissolution of my "model family."....

Somebody should know. I am glad he didn't flinch or act weird or any of those other things that could have made me feel much worse. I asked him if he thought I was lame. And he said no, "I don't think you're lame; I don't think that at all."

Anyway I thought for my homework and to calm down my heart, I would look at the time chart for when I told him everything. The chart is below. I want to say that the chart speaks volumes. 12th house as the house of secrets has the MOON (feelings/me) conjunct but passing Jupiter. Most shocking to me though is to see Juno at the tight sextile with the Moon. Juno at the most visible public spot the MC. The secret about the marriage is revealed, is put on display. Also amazing in the light of day is that when I showed up for my appointment at 11:15 am MARS (action) was rising but in its final degrees; now know that JUPITER was rising when he and I moved beyond the initial meeting and began to talk about my secret. Also see how Mercury is in the 11th (friends, hopes wishes) ruled by VENUS in LIBRA (his natal moon is Libra...my natal asc Jupiter)...His entire approach to this was not as doc or intense lover but as friend/mediator. Nothing I said unnerved him but he would try to balance my comments. The biggest one is "but don't you see maybe he feels as deeply as you but can not express it (Libra mercury see both sides--express middle of road)---maybe you don't have to be flat; you can still be you." Also I see Mercury in aspect with my first house PLUTO. I don't know what to make of that except to say that even though he seemed calm, the event was probably something on his Richter scale. The Moon moving sq Saturn in the 8th. To me this was my reaction last night--feeling regretful, questioning and depressed, telling myself I would never reveal such intimacies again...This is what I had spinning about in my head. I feel more normal today and not like that per se.


Here's the chart:

[Juliet]

Dear Blue!
Just wanted to tell you you are one brave brave soul. And I love Doc for what he did!
This is massive for you, and my heart cringes when I think of you not having been able to express all this to anyone.

Please continue.
Love, Juliet

[Amoroso]

Dear BO;

Thank you for telling us about your appointment. As I read your account, I felt everything in my gut do this wild dance of recognition and I was almost comatose after I finished reading it. I am so proud of you for getting in touch with all that tremendous energy that has been lurking and stagnating inside, and expressing it. Doc has brought some Divine healing into your life on so many levels. How can you not be magnetized to him?

You wrote: "Maybe having lost my mom and the baby then the two cancer surgeries warranted so much reaction from me and in seeking to not react, to not drown in sadness I just closed my eyes and plowed ahead. Maybe the whole doc thing was just the alarm that hey wait a minute rewind that bloody tape...."

Wow. Yes, total BINGO.

This was exactly my situation. My dad died suddenly six weeks after the complete hysterectomy from hell, and 8 months later I was back in surgery for the hernia that had such severe complications. All I could do was soldier on. And by the time we got to those years, I had already had 5 surgeries and John was so buried under keeping a career and family going he could not muster one iota of compassion. I see it as a problem of the way we live seperated from families and a real lack of community in general. There was no one to help with the day to day.

At several points in the marriage, we were having sex about once every 7-9 months.

John and I have been able to have several good conversations about this--even before his cancer surgery. He has both the Moon and Venus in Aquarius, along with Chiron and Mercury, and while he is a friendly sort with compassion (a Pisces MC) he is so freakin' detached all the time that I have felt like screaming for the 30 years we've been together.

I can not speak for you or your marriage, but as I have had time to absorb the impact of C on my life, and as I have looked at the things that I have projected onto others, I see that John's detachment is a huge, mighty reflection of my Moon/Uranus in Leo (which means a Uranus-Sun connection) on the MC, opposite Aquarius. I think that John's "detachment" has perhaps made this marriage possible, because up until a year ago I was not totally aware of the often, tense, chaotic and disruptive energy I project outward.

Kim had encouraged me to write that first "love" letter to C, and after I did and sent it I thought "Oh my god, what have I done?" But it was the first step in releasing this avalanche of sorrow and anger and deep, deep frustration of every kind, and therefore I am very glad I did it.

Love,
Amoroso

[moondance7]

Dear BlueOrchids, I read your post with intense interest because it resonated with me emotionally. The bad part is I don't know who "Doc" is because I am new to you and this list. Is he an actual physical doctor, a psychiatrist, a prospective lover?

I have never been able to open up to anyone, and at the age of 59, it's unlikely I will, but I want to tell you how wonderful it is to hear of someone breaking that terrible barrier! Congratulations. I want to embrace you, and wish I could.

[moondance7]

Amoroso, I don't know your story, either. Maybe if you are so inclined, you could fill me in. I need the inspiration, believe me. ;D

[Kim Falconer]

Oh BlueOrchids, I was so moved by your experience. This is the stuff Eros conjunct Psyche is made of...

Love and hugs,
Kim

[blueorchids]

Dear Juliet, Amoroso, MoonDance and Kim,

Thank you for all your kindnesses. It makes me feel so incredibly supported. And yes, that day, that moment I will look back on as a monumental turn in my life. The truth is I do not think I would have ever said anything if it had not been for you guys, not just the horary but the notion that I can show honest fragility and the earth won't swallow me.

Amoroso, 7-9 months (smile) try years....
I was so moved by what you wrote that I could not write back last night. Someone once toldd me we get the partners we are destined to get, that we call upon us. I am not sure that I concur with that . I do know however that in the mundanesses of life my spouse and I do connect well as evidenced by our 6th house stellium. I once told Doc that my husband is flat about everything but it has its advantages. I thought it did in extreme tragedies but now I see our detachment our just get on with it approach to tragedy is a devestating doubled edged sword. For what it is worth I have absorbed his detachment and moved to that approach.

Doc coming into my life sort of has unleashed all of my old verve, spark and energy. The thing that I find most frightening about him is that I would do most anything he asked, answered most any question he asked; there is a sense of growing into shamelssness. Not hussy shamelessness, sort of early Eden shamelessness.

I must say that something unfortunate has transpired and it harkens back to Sven's read of the horary. (She was dead on here ) Doc called yesterday afternoon before the children arrived home and said he was afraid he was beginning to worry about one of the test revealing a constant potassium depletion despite my heavy ingestion of potassium supplements. We will have to go through a series of major tests and drug switiches beginning in November. He says he doesn't believe it is a hidden pituatary tumor but he has to know for certain. He was unusually forceful.

We laughed about a recipe I sent him and for the rest of the day I felt him spilling all over my transom. I was thinking Amoroso about the word you used about him "Divine". I had to stop, once in the shower and then this morning. I realized in two years because of him I have lost 30 pounds, become a vegtarian, returned to working out and told a secret, a big secret too. My only frantic feeling is that I can only hope that he feels I have offered him anywhere as much transformative grist. LOL. Well he is out of his shell now at least, dragged out by the incomparable Blue!! ;D

[svenskasfinx]

blueorchids said:

...."Amoroso, 7-9 months (smile) try years....
I was so moved by what you wrote that I could not write back last night. Someone once toldd me we get the partners we are destined to get, that we call upon us. I am not sure that I concur with that . I do know however that in the mundanesses of life my spouse and I do connect well as evidenced by our 6th house stellium. I once told Doc that my husband is flat about everything but it has its advantages. I thought it did in extreme tragedies but now I see our detachment our just get on with it approach to tragedy is a devestating doubled edged sword. For what it is worth I have absorbed his detachment and moved to that approach....."

Hej Blue!

I am so very empathetic towards your situation and Amoroso's situation also.. it frightens me to think that for all that you both love and do so much out of duty and everything that you both have had to (by amazing strength and determination) put up with the cold nature of men, your husbands who probably started off as passionate as fire at any given time.

I wonder if this will happen to me too.. tonight the moon is out of bounds and in opposition to my natal ASC. Its also counter parellel to my husband's out of bounds Moon, and we just had another conflict concerning our sexual feelings.. he for the life of me seems the most part, totally unreceptive. He says he only percieves my "anger".. well, concidering that we normally being quiet at only one or two times a week (which used to be so much more) it has been more than a month.. I cried, if you can only feel my anger, when are you going to feel my love, its been here every day. (when I cook breakfast, when I say I need a hug.. I totally sound like a whimpy girly girl)

And so I thought about both you and Amoroso.. and you must be the most strongest and loving people to hold on in spite of those feelings of distance.. It feels so intolerable, and yet I know you both have so much love, it had to come out somewhere, some how, it was just bursting.. Could anyone blame you, either one of you for saying what needed to be said when your hearts were full?

I certainly feel very teary eyed just reading these confessions. I guess I've got alot to learn

Blue orchids, I am so sorry that things are out of ballance.. I hope that the stored energy of your love will be able to bring about a speedy ballance by redirecting your body's energy back to you, as they doctor seems to understand you have a heart and it needs care too. You know what I mean, I hope.

He will hopefully see his role in healing you as also helping to mend your heart which need the best of care right now. Just letting these feelings out now must certainly be a great step in the direction of healing the entire package, body, spirit, heart, mind..

my deepest feelings of a rapid renewing energy..

svenskasfinx

[3rdhousenorth]

Blueorchid,

I read your post here and had to think about it and I was unable to offer anything - quick read before another long day of commute and work. I, too, am a little in the dark about your relationship with Doc since I joined here not that long ago and came across your posts and others like coming into a conversation mid-stream. However, it does sound like a watershed here, and I congratulate you on your courage. Being open, naked, truthful - I know how hard that is to share your deepest secrets, fears. I'm glad he was such an attentive listener and caring - there's so little of that in the world today, it seems.

I am concerned hearing about his call and his concern for some of your test readings, and I hope it all turns out to be okay and nothing to worry about.

Sending warm thoughts, to add to those in the rest of this community. Glad to hear that you can consider this group such an encouraging (courage comes from couer, heart) support for you.

3HN

[blueorchids]

Thanks 3rdhouse and Moondance sorry. Doc is actually my doctor. I have known him for a decade. When you said you have not opened up to anyone and you're 59 it made me sad yet happy that you are here with us. Virtually everyone here since I came over a year ago has been willing to share such experiences and then often encourage others to get to a place of comfort with who or what they are. Often times for me it has been just as simple as reading about everyone else's story.

Sven...ugghhh, cringe. All he feels is your anger? Give me a break. He sounds angry actually not you. Tell him "oh baby then if all you feel is my anger, let's have fierce angry sex....."

Oh gosh. ???Try to take heart with it. At least you are listening to your heart and not letting it get so far ahead of you that you awake and it has been years instead of weeks or months.

As for me I do not feel ill so I am hoping it is just the meds and not a pituitary issue. Atthe end of a somewhat miraculous week, my sister who I adore above all else called me. And we had not spoken in a while. What is odd is that something came out during the conversation where she indicated that my father (who on occasionally really reminds me of Doc; my dad is also Pisces Sun..) would support me if I ever decided to tell him about my husband. I was under the mistaken impression that my family sees him as the perfect spouse. And she said. "No that Dad thinks he is so cold to you and he does not like it at all! " I do not discuss my spouse with anyone, even girlfirends so for what it is worth it made me feel better as though I was not living in my head.

On a separate matter my sister asked me why do you think Doc did not suggest marriage or family counseling? I did not know what to say but I had to admit I was very surprised by that particularly given that he immediately said I needed to to see a obgyn about my bleeding and maybe I had a fibroid tumor. His MIL and mom are also marriage counselors so it is odd especially since he immediately discussed divorce with me ("It's not so great out here."). I told him that I had only been in one relationship before marriage and take loyalty and commitment seriously, that my parents would have been married 50 years if my mom had not died five years ago, that I wasn't a shallow person nor thinking of " being out". To which he said that he knew that, that he always remembers that about me.

[3rdhousenorth]

Hi Blueorchids,

I think it was pretty clear to me that Doc is your doctor, but there is some other relationship going there, no? But apparently not acted upon physically? Or just that you have felt really connected to him but have no indication on his part that there's something more for him other than being a very caring doc? That seems a bit unclear to me, but then maybe it's also unclear in reality as well??

3HN

[Amoroso]

Dear Sven,

Thanks for your comments here. I sorta couldn't respond because they hit so close to home I froze up a bit, plus with everything else going on.... I think that because of your comments, I, for the first time, really got a handle on VESTA, and especially as she sits on my AC in Libra along with Neptune.
Wow.

BO, we are all pulling for you and are wondering what is going on medically.

3HN and Moondance 7,
Doc is BO's doctor, C was an adult student of mine. Both men collided with our inner and outer worlds so completely that everything, absolutely everything erupted in our inner lives. It is a kind of magic that does not do real well in "real world" time. It is as if this erotic, magic, artistic, healing Beast (and what is Eros after all, which is how I found Kim's forum in the first place) can not make it down through the Ethers onto the density of this plane.

C provided the fuel for my healing on every level and in every possible way. And I still tank up daily on the memory of him!

There was no physical expression, still a great source of frustration, but one I don't know if I could carry through with because I do love my husband of 28 years and want to stay with him, too. I am trying to learn that sometimes things are not a case of either/or, but and/and. It is the only way I can live creativly and joyously with such a Revelation from the gods.

I understand Christianity MORE because of knowing C, not less. Isn't that amazing?

Amoroso

[blueorchids]

Thanks Amoroso for explaining all that. I have been really overworked in the studio this week. Doc called in the change of meds but I will not commence until the beginning of Nov and then see him in Dec. He will start mucking around with me at Xmas --it seems we are always working me over around at Christmas..LOL.

I wanted to say that your situation with your husband seems to have made the encounters with C. particularly potent and challenging. I have been married half as many years and I am not sure that I have ever really experienced the love of which you speak. Doc seems to be inciting all these questions and revelations.

I wanted to note that when he and I met last week not only was Psyche and Eros conjunct but Pandora was there too--such an unleashing. That triffecta squared my natal Venus and opposed his Natal Venus and transiting Venus conjunct our north nodes. I drew up a horary chart after I arrived home from that enocunter, and asked "What will the end result of my telling this secret be?" I am just beginning to look at it this evening and may try to post it (separate thead) later.

Be well all.