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Post by whiteheather on Apr 21, 2006 4:41:17 GMT
Dear Primamateria -
Thanks for sharing this, and for the warning. I'll make sure to remember those things.
What you say here is really interesting:
I have spent years subordinating my needs to my children's -- and I am someone who thinks her mother never had a life because she spent all her waking hours serving her family. (Actually this was only partly true, and partly a distorted perception on my part.) All we really all in danger of turning into our mothers?? (Please shoot me now!)
Kids really do have their own lives to some extent, it's worth remembering that. They have their own little networks and supports from other people and we don't always know everything that goes on with them, what makes an impression on them and what doesn't. Sometimes it's downright astonishing. Their little brains are constantly ticking away, watching, making judgments, wondering. Things don't always add up right, but it's ok with them anyway...
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Post by Juliet on Apr 21, 2006 11:29:16 GMT
Hey Whiteheather, Good to 'hear' you back! I happen to share custody with my ex, but we have no contact whatsoever about them. The two youngest still live with us, they're 16 and 18. There hardly are ever problems with the kids, they are doing very well, and I'm very happy we chose this solution. My ex is very much into the kids too, and they need him, he has other things to offer than I. There's lots I do not want to hear though. He has his home and rules and I do have mine. When we were still together he always agreed with me about the kids, that changed completely when we separated. Punishment!
The kids change homes every friday and are used to it now. I remember a time five years ago where I was driving my daughter and I asked her how she felt about the divorce, and she said matter of factly. 'Oh, mom, it's not really cool, but you get used to it.' It still breaks my heart when I see pictures of the kids from that period, they look pale and skinny and sick. It was an awful first year. The second year he stalked me, no party either.
My ex and I were no silent enemies or whatever, we had whole healthy warm parts in our relationship too, lots of shared humour f.i., but he has a personality disorder which made him very unreliable periodically. The last month, after I had told him I wanted a dicorce, was downright war though. One night I came home from a friends place, and I heard him in the attic, packing his things, crying and talking to himself. We were both in shock for months afterwards.
Well, you brought up a lot with your question. Hope you are doing well... Juliet
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Post by Amoroso on Apr 21, 2006 21:21:54 GMT
Dear WH,
I, too, spent many years ignoring my emotional needs and physical needs for the sake of the children, family, husband, work. I think this was in part because that's what I thought I was supposed to do and in part because of this crazy society which has people isolated. You end up trying to do everything yourself. There were several years where a bunch of friends with kids and us worked out a babysitting and house-work coop that helped alot, but it still wasn't enough. Parents in our culture are not supported as a team, and it takes superhuman something to keep afloat. As Margaret Mead, the great anthropologist, said "No woman in the history of the world was ever supposed to be with her children 24-7."
Everyone must work and change and grow at their own rate and figure out what they need. It is your right, and your children will be made stronger for it. We all understand where you are and send you courage and light for your journey!
Blessings, Amoroso
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Post by gemstar on Apr 22, 2006 0:06:18 GMT
WOW....I have so many thoughts to write to you and my feelings are a jumble! Firstly-As a child of divorced parents who did many, many things incorrectly, the best thing overall for us was that my parents decided not to live 'inauthentically'. You know, pretending all is well...because, I could always feel the vibe that something was not quite right. Kids who are smaller take more time to understand...change is not a huge part of their lives at age 7 so anything different than what they are used to will feel upsetting. The picture becomes clearer as the little person grows up and experiences relationships for himself/herself. In the meantime, most kids adjust usually better and faster than the adults!! Part of Life is LETTING GO of places/relationships which no longer are healthy. Friendships, marriages, jobs etc....are part of this. Society places a self-imposed guilt when 'family' dynamics change. In reality, yes, it does change-most often for the better! As both adults move on to other marriages, as a child, you simply have more people who love you! Both parents being HAPPY is relieving in a way to the children. This is what sets a great example for the children to look up to! Mostly, I feel that living in a house with authenticity is the most helpful way to live. If both parents stay focused on the kids, and behave as cordial as possible, the change is much easier. Living with authenticity is also helpful with the future relationships these kids will have ahead in their lives. I don't know how many people I know who have parents who stayed married for the sake of the kids...dysfunctional marriages at best.....and these now-adult children have chosen time and again, poor partners. They seem to lack the ability to differentiate the nuances which make an Honest and Sincere relationship work! I attribute a good deal of this difficulty to the fact that they have not lived with healthy relationship examples. Just because someone has been married 25 years does not mean it was a healthy and happy 25 years. One person selling their soul for the sake of whoever is not what the Universe wants for any of us. I often wonder what would happen with people's decisions if they never had the pressure that religion and society puts on people to stay in dead-end places. It is such a delicate balance for us to decide to take care of ourselves and not feel selfish and bad about such a decision. For each person to continue to 'give and love' others, we also need to 'give to' and love ourselves along the way! There is definitely no way around pain when you divorce. HOWEVER, Pain becomes part of the growth and breakthrough....though certainly more difficult than you expect! It does take a lot of courage to make such a big decision---so take your time. You will know in your heart that you have given your best to the marriage and when or if it is Done. You just know. As with anything, there are always uncertainties in Life and all you can do is your Best Effort. You make the best decisions for everyone, including yourself. Everyone adjusts at their own pace and eventually, the pain is not such an issue. And actually, I thanked my parents for having the courage to divorce, despite their ugly battles at court. It was a shock in the beginning.....and now, 25 years later, I could not imagine how these two ever got together in the first place-they are sooooo similar yet different!! Yikes!! Ha,ha.....it is all good!! As many of you know, the goal is to have both parents participate in the parenting of their children. Even if the rules change with Dads or Moms (as payback often occurs), the kids WILL survive --despite you both!! Keep the friendship with your children's parent if possible-that really makes it easiest for the kids!! I suppose the biggest hurdle to overcome is Fear that ending the marriage will cause damage and long-term consequences to the kids....but the reality is that often more damage occurs by 'pretending' until the kids grow up. Then, when the shock of divorce occurs later, the grown children have further issues because they realize how many memories were built on 'inauthentic' actions and events with their parents. Actually, a book was just published about this very subject! As Amoroso stated at the bottom of her post-everyone will be the stronger for it!! Trust in the process and mostly, in your inner-intuition. The light shines within for good reason....and we are all called to Honor our Spirit which guides us! Hugs- GemStar
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Post by whiteheather on Apr 24, 2006 3:50:05 GMT
Hi GemStar! I am so glad you responded to this post, especially as a child of divorced parents. It feels good to hear the "other side." You happen to use a word that pops into my head constantly these days:"Authencity." Yes indeed, we could use more of that around here. And I also wonder what role model I am for my daughters although I don't think they have illusions about their parents' relationship. They know things aren' t right and we are unable to pretend, so in a sense they certainly won't feel afterwards that we somehow acted out a charade for their sake. It is so obvious that we are both struggling, even a six-year old gets it. You are right, a long marriage doesn't mean a thing. I am not impressed anymore by these 50 year wedding anniversaries -- once people are that old the fight has been taken out of them, so now they are all mild and wistful and glossing over their tumulteous marriage, they partly forgot what happened or deny it... Still, now that I am thinking about divorce, I see divorced people everywhere... It is kind of scary, and I wonder if we have extended our throw-away consumerist attitude to human beings too. Sometimes I don't know what to think anymore... Hi Juliet! Thank you for sharing so much personal info on this matter. I hope I didn't upset some delicate balance of -- well I don't know what, but sometimes talking about what seems like water under the bridge can be unsettling. I didn't mean to do that when I asked my question... Amoroso, thanks for your thoughts and wishes. A housework co-op, that sounds great! Don't worry, I am not with my kids 24/7, they do go to school, though I do know some parents who homeschool their kids.... It's funny these days I could imagine doing that, but only with a really good support network. I used to think it was a crazy idea, but I have come to think that a lot of schools are crazy environments in their own way. Uncreative and reductionist, to say the least. I hope your husband is recovering quickly. Warmly, Whiteheather
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