|
|
Post by blueorchids on Mar 8, 2006 14:28:28 GMT
Well friends as you may know I recently asked about bringing a birthday gift for D on the 14th. I did not just want to show up at the office. It seemed foolhardy so I emailed him about bringing the gift there. Trust me this is a lovely but pedestrian gift (a book and handpoured candles), not over the top in any way. He wrote back (I know him and I can hear that he us clearly struggling /trying to be funny and warm but clearly saying --wait please stop...)this: REMOVED.(NOTE guys... I will have to remove this shortly because I don't want it to stay here in cyberspace (privacy) but everyone here is so incredibly wise, yet intense and erotically in touch. I don't feel stupid being straight and showing it. Amoroso. I don't know how you lived through your thing with C. I feel like I have a knife in my heart and I will never get it out. And even if I do, I will simply bleed to death.  I think I have been out of my head since the last surgery. I need to just go into seclusion for a while. I can not tell if I am ever reading situations correctly anymore. Since my mother died I find myself really less sure of my impact and encounters with others. Anyway I am going off to check on my dad who has a horrible cold and who I have been drowning with chicken soup. |
|
|
|
Post by Amoroso on Mar 8, 2006 15:43:25 GMT
Dear BO,
I HAVEN'T "lived" through this thing with C. I AM living it every day, every moment, and it IS like a knife in the chest. I really feel for you, totally understand. And for some reason I did not realize that you are married until I focused on some posts last month.
From what I have learned in the past year and a half, I think that this kind of intensity is just too much for most of us. We struggle to define it, box it, hold it at arms' length, ignore it so it won't impede on the things we've worked hard to build, based on our beliefs about ourselves and our world. Doc really can not respond in any other way right now. It would mean the end of his view of himself and his relationship with patients and the outer world. I wish men could open themselves to this kind of love but most can not. They want it desperately but it is so at odds with everything in our culture that there is no frame of reference to embrace it.
And if it strikes outside of the neat little boxes we've created for ourselves, forget it.
Don't underestimate the power of your intent and gift. So he wasn't able to embrace it. It speaks more of where he is than anything he might feel. His note really does show a drowning man struggling to stay afloat.
I remember when I told C he needed to find another teacher because I was developing inappropiate feelings for him. He said, no, he would stay. And then a month later he left because it was just too hard, too weird. The joie de vivre was KAPUT. Doc has not yet told you to find another doctor, which, to me, implies, he wants you in his life in a way he can handle.
Has it occured to you to switch doctors to open things a bit? I know in health matters that is more easily said than done, especially with a doctor who has been so medically effective. But then he would not have the ethical issue anymore.
Corraggio!!!
Blessings,
Amoroso
|
|
|
|
Post by samina on Mar 8, 2006 19:07:31 GMT
orchid, dear, i have lived through that feeling recently, too, and really feel your pain. i do understand. i wonder if there is something in the charts of the three of us (you, me, amoroso) that simultaneously triggered this pain of unrequited, deeply erotic love involving service professionals in our lives.
amoroso, your words are so true: "I think this kind of intensity is just too much for most of us. We struggle to define it, box it, hold it at arms' length, ignore it so it won't impede on the htings we've worked hard to build..."
when my former dance instructor responded similarly after i made a gesture of my own, it felt deeply cutting... but it was also very clarifying, and was a turning point for me. that's when i made my plans to leave about six weeks later. and i'm so glad i did. the mixed signals were just so unbearable, as was the constant pull i felt toward him everytime i saw him.
what comes up for you, orchied, at the thought of switching doctors...? is that a possibility?
warm hugs...
samina
|
|
|
|
Post by blueorchids on Mar 8, 2006 20:16:53 GMT
Thanks Amoroso and Samina. You guys are the absolute best salve for the spirit. I wrote him back this morning after sleeping on it, briefly saying that it was not anything outrageous but I understand I can only give what another is truly comfortable and wanting to take. He wrote back on his lunch break I guess expressing guilt about what he thought were preparations for him...that he just appreciated me and he was feeling guiltiy about me going out of my way for him...Catholic Guilt meets Jewish Guilt = Super Double Bubble Gum Guilt....
On switching doctors, I will be honest with you. I just am not in any place mentally or emotionally or even logistically to change. There are so few doctors here with a two decades thyroid cancer endocrine background. He knows my entire surgerical and care history, including all the dosages of meds. He also calls whenever the test results come back and he sees very quiet but he is very hard on the insurance companies and has always managed to get what I needed covered.
Those "true facts" aside, I have to wonder what the fallout of that move would be. It would be like I was punishing him for my own stupid spiritual and erotic awakening. I feel somewhat compelled to see it through and I have a series of injections and body scans in May anyway...
At any rate, he wrote last. And I am not planning writing back anytime soon. Too wiped out right now and need to sort of refocus on the Studio this week.
|
|
|
|
Post by Kim Falconer on Mar 8, 2006 22:03:33 GMT
BlueOrchid,
This has been a very moving morning for me, reading your post and the responses from Amoroso and Samina. I too have been in all your shoes and understand deeply the immersion in Eros and the resultant 'fall out' in the 'real' world when that energy is not returned. I always think of it as an axe in my chest though, --same feeling as the knife I am certain!
Two things.
It is easy to take his first reply as a rejection when it was actually (as he later explains) an expression of his own inability to receive. You must SPOT the difference. It does not diminish you in the least but highlights his own shortfall.
Second, Please do not EVER assign words like STUPID to your spiritual and erotic awakenings. This dishonours the goddess in you, and undermines your self-worth.
Can you gather the courage to let your spirituality bloom and let your erotic nature unfold regardless of how it is met outside?
For thousands of years, we have been lead to believe that what we are as women is somehow unworthy, insignificant and alien (dangerous and threatening). It is no wonder that we relegate our own feelings to the unconscious, banish them to the desert and cover them in shrouds of guilt...
Doing to our own inner Lilith what has been done to her by the patriarchs will not foster psychic growth in either man or woman.
Perhaps work on some affirmations about that honor the energy you are expressing and bless every aspect of your life that reinforces this!
I'm pretty sure, BO, that I am saying this to myself as well as you.
Breathe deep and meditate!
Warmth and hugs,
Kim
|
|
|
|
Post by samina on Mar 8, 2006 22:27:16 GMT
Oh, how beautiful, Kim... your inspired words reach out to me as well, for sure! I'm deeply touched.
Every time I read this, my inner gut says "YES!!" and I feel so much peace. What a beautiful reminder!
"For thousands of years, we have been lead to believe that what we are as women is somehow unworthy, insignificant and alien (dangerous and threatening). It is no wonder that we relegate our own feelings to the unconscious, banish them to the desert and cover them in shrouds of guilt... Doing to our own inner Lilith what has been done to her by the patriarchs will not foster psychic growth in either man or woman."
samina
|
|
suz
Junior Member
Posts: 42
|
Post by suz on Mar 8, 2006 22:35:57 GMT
I 'second' everything you've said to these beautiful women, Kim.
Especially the part about 'STUPID'... in fact I was going to say the same to them.
Beautiful women... all of you...
How can you possibly want to deny what's happening to you all?
These 'others' have really helped bring your true essence forwards... be grateful to them but don't 'expect' them to 'be with you' the way you want them to. You have obviously opened something in them too and I guess fear plays a big role here.
I'm not saying that they can't be with you this way... but maybe they are too afraid of your intensity because they are afraid of exploring their own passions and emotional intensity.
Keep up the 'work' all of you and keep being authentic and human. This is the 'real' thing and yes, most people are too afraid to 'go there'.
And anyway, once you've brought this REAL you forwards you can't go backwards, even if you wanted to. This is who you really are.
Lots of love
Suz
|
|
|
|
Post by blueorchids on Mar 10, 2006 3:41:41 GMT
Thank you, all of you. How terrific and helpful. A tough time but interestingly I have been very creative in the studio. I took a very long shower last night and got my weeping over and bloody done (my daughter who has the hearing of a mosquito says from behind the door )Mom are you crying in there? NO! I just got this blasted shampoo in my eye and it stings!. Stings indeed! I do not know what ---if anything will happen next. Suz you are so right about the intensity. I wrote him a "draft" email back last night and showed it to my sister. She responded, whoah too intense@--you're going to scare him to death!!.... So I did nothing. But I am sort of starting to fall in love with my new intensity. Everything that has happened seems to have happened because of my action, my initiation--- so maybe I need to stop....do nothing, and live with the consequences of that. Hmmm Aries moon and mars and doing nothing... Well that's an oxymoron.....  |
|
